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Through the ever-branching growth of American history, we've recognized a great few but honorable men as our heroes and leaders. Washington, Lincoln, Ford, and Gates only name a few. I am here to ask, no declare, that I be ranked as one of them, one of the great leaders of this fine plot of dirt and culture that we call 'The US'. Here's the part of the story where you, my loyal, yet dysfunctional robot reader, arch your eyebrow (if you can (if you can't, a mere tilting of the head is satisfactory (and if you can't, then stop reading and consult a handgun for further instruction.).).) and question my logic. I realized not too long ago--shortly after my whole unemployment thang--that I needed some guidance in my life. I was unsure of my future, and just about everything else I had come to love and understand. So, I looked to the history books, I felt selfish and wrong to feel stressed out over some minor inconveniences when there were these men who had lost life and limb to fight for what they believed in, men who laughed in the face of an oncoming grenade and/or health inspector as they gained their respective seats on top of the great American hierarchy. Washington liberated an entire country from another that eclipsed his military strength as well as his intellect. The only thing I ever liberated was this bumblebee that my brother stuck in an empty mayonnaise jar and put in a freezer. Lincoln fought to rid the country of slavery. The only thing I ever fought for was position as THE MOST KICKASS HALO 2 PLAYER EVER!! Nothing tremendous as you can clearly see. Ford developed the assembly line and brought somewhat cheap and effective transportation to the homes of millions and alleviating the unemployment crisis we were facing. The only thing I ever developed was a serious of allergy-induced hives on my neck. And a case of pinkeye from that rock I licked in the fourth grade. And finally, Gates. On the top ten list of the wealthiest individuals in the country. This guy showed the world that those "pathetic" computer geeks that you used to step on and beat in high school Computer Math class, can in fact have so much money one day that they could literally buy all of the pants in America. He brought the personal computer to the homes of billions; he revolutionized the face of the Earth as we know it. Without him, we'd be thirty years behind schedule and probably a crater too. These great men overcame so much in order to help the country as well as the world progress so much in so little time. Now why do I think I have the right to be considered one of them? Because I am just as bored as they were when they did what they did to make them great. Think about it. Would Washington have liberated us from England and became out first president if he had a sexually appealing wife at home? Or a hobby? I'm pretty sure that Gary Gigex (founder of Dungeons and Dragons) would have probably ended world hunger if he hadn't put 30+ years into the development of a board game that isn't even a board game or a game at all for that matter. If Washington was at home, doing something he enjoyed (like cooking, I guess) then you'd be English, I'd be in jail and the US would probably be considered cursed land and eventually sunk into the ocean to prevent any other rebellious colonization. If Lincoln had a job, or was busy walking to orphan’s houses barefoot with a sack of nickels like he was supposed to, then he wouldn't have had the time to free slaves and give grandiose speeches in front of millions. He wouldn't have had the time to notice oppression and bigotry. He'd probably be playing basketball, or installing DirecTV dishes on the roofs of houses. And as with the case of inventors like Ford and Gates, had they been keeping their summer jobs as Boy Scout leaders and paper boys, they wouldn't have had the time to toy around in their garages with left over lawnmower parts. Had they not been bored and accidentally invented the two most important things in human history (aside from cinema and the Treasure Chest Platter at Long John Silver's), their parents would have realized that they were leaching their electric bills and would have booted them out into the street to eat rats and become professional bums. So, here's my reasoning behind this big ass page full of crap you didn't enjoy reading. I am bored as hell, and I have been for quite some time. This I believe is a direct case of Washincoforgates Syndrome, and in only a matter of time I will create something so elaborate and perfect that it will change the lives of everyone you know. It'll be an Earth-shaking even so tremendous that you'll be thirty years old and remember the exact moment when it happened. You'll tell your great-grandkids (right before your oxygen cuts off because the cat is sitting on the tube and you pass out and die) that you were there, reading the very page that I posted only days, hours, or even minutes before I became the most powerful person on Earth. So, come on America, let's cut the chit-chat. Let's just skip to the part where I get the Pulitzer, Emmy, Oscar, Grammy, or Nobel Peace prize and call it even. We'll cut out the middle man and make me powerful and famous, and you can add "Helped thedexter Become What He Is Today" to your list of Awesome Tasks I Accomplished Before I Became Senile. I promise I won't forget you when I'm kickin' back in my hot tub full of liquid gold and diamonds having beautiful women lick my feet. Hell, I'll even send you a check every couple of months to show you how grateful I am that you helped me come to own Australia. So, everyone head on down to your local post office with a letter addressed to the president telling him that I'm coming and that he needs to move all his stuff to the Lincoln Suite so that it doesn't get in the way of my very own personal zoo equipped with genetically restored prehistoric land animals. Oh yeah, send a letter to the Pope. Tell him, uh, I'm tired of his old ass governing an entire religion, and that uh, it's my turn, and uh,...oh yeah tell him to clean the sheets on his bed before he leaves. I'm gonna be tired traveling to Italy and all on my zeppelin, so I'm gonna wanna just crash out when I get there. Okay? Good. --thedexter |