IF I COULD BE ANYTHING... At some point or another, in a man’s life, he must decide what he will do for the rest of it. But not you ladies, you’ll all be housewives (just kidding, you’ll be astronauts, or something). A man’s career, is an important thing, because being born with testicles automatically makes you the “provider”. Hey, female lions hunt, and ladies, if they can do it. You can do it. Now fetch me a steak. *intermission music* More sauce next time. Anyway, back to the thang I was talking about. A while back, I started thinking about careers, and oddly enough, over the course of my strenuous mental journey into maturity, Ninja Turtle and Fire Fighter have been eliminated as possible prospects. So here, I will explain any possible career options I have in mind, as well as the ones I will be eliminating. I hope you find my future as amusing as I do. Bartender I can’t explain the thought process behind this, really. It just sounds kick-ass all on its own. Standing behind a bar, listening to travelers’ stories, handing them a couple glasses of mind-poison, cleaning up their vomit. Calling the police when they get “cranky”. It sounds like something I could commit to whole-heartedly. Though being a bartender, would involve no consumption of alcohol on my part, I could always get used to handing over those last faithful drinks that will lead to some little girl writing “Get Well Soon” cards to her daddy after him and a tree get intimate. But then again, I saw Coyote Ugly, and I personally don’t want my daddy to be John Goodman. So I’ll stick this in the “standby” section of my mind. Ninja Now, who hasn’t, right? We’ve all played the game Ninja Gaiden, and we can all associate ourselves with sticking to walls. So why not go ahead and make a career out of it? I mean, come on, 3 to 4 years of training, tops. Then you’re backflipping, and ninja-star-throwing, your way into the hearts of every five year old boy on the globe. Just think about the endless possibilities. Kicking back, on a boat, catching those marlin like their some kind of STD. That’s the life. Or, am I confused? Yes, that’s right, those are the days commonly spent by dragon-slayers. But, nonetheless, you get a sword. And swords friggin’ rock. Owner of a Magical Chocolate Factory I want a Wonka-vator. Don’t care how I get one, I just want it. And Oompa-Loompas, little orange slaves at your every command, hell, they break into song and dance whenever some kid brushes with death as a result of your mistakes. Though I’d have to change their names, to dodge any copyright infringement, I don’t care, I’ll get used to calling them Crack-Snackers, or Dwindle-Fiddlers. Having a basement full of edible trees wouldn’t be half bad either. And the marketing would practically sell itself, so money wouldn’t be an issue. I can see it now: The press would be lined up outside my mansion, after I promise a bunch of miserable children a ride on my magical chocolate subway of wonder, and I could solicit the everlasting Snob-Dropper once the cameras get a shot or two of me force-feeding some inconsiderate brat a multi-colored candy rock. But, ya know, things would lead to things, and I would end up ruling the world and sending all the children to “camp” where they’re melted down and turned into fax machines, and no one wants that, so scratch the idea. And onto a new one! Ninja Turtle Ok, before you get yourself all upset, and confused, Ninja Turtle and Ninja, are two separate things. For example, Ninjas spend their time in ultimate secrecy, letting no one know of their true identity. While a Ninja Turtle can willingly order pizza to their home address. A true Ninja can stick to walls. A Ninja Turtle, cannot. Ninjas wear black, always. But, a Ninja Turtle has been associated with a multitude of different colors (purple, red, orange, blue, black, white, salmon). A Ninja always has a sensei. The turtles, have Splinter, a giant rat. Not a sensei. Ninjas live in attics, Turtles live in sewers. But most importantly, a Ninja cannot, and will not ever use his own body as a form of protection. Or a home. However, a Ninja Turtle will, at anytime use its shell as such. But as far as this goes as an occupation, hell yes. You get your own toy line, Saturday morning cartoon show, and theme song. No Ninja has ever come that far. –thedexter Hydolklien! On to page two!