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Giving blood. A praise-worthy advent in modern medicine. Simple procedure. A practice carried out by millions of people every single day. Well, at least that’s what I was thinking two-seconds prior to a 50's-ish woman stabbing a hypodermic needle six inches into my arm. It was a normal day. I woke up that morning, the colors readjusted. I exited my hibernation sac. Did my hygiene thing, and zipped off to school in my flashy 2002 blood-red KIA Sephia. It was a pretty normal school day. 1st through 4th period, a breeze. A female friend of mine, known as “Mindy” approached me on my way to lunch. She informed me about her appointment to have “blood” taken. “I” rubbed my chin curiously and stated that I was interested. Being O+, and never having done it before, the opportunity seemed too good to miss. I realize now that anything seems worthwhile and interesting when you’ve never experienced it before. For example, eating a six pound hamburger. Sure it’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen in your entire life, but when you’re half way through and your stomach ruptures and your juices spill out into your system and you get a bacterial infection that leaves you legless and wheelchair bound, it doesn’t seem like such a good idea. Don’t eat hamburgers, you’ll lose your legs. Plain and simple. Anyway, after some minor set-backs, I was soon in the auditorium awaiting puncture time. I casually approached the booth they had set up in front of the auditorium stage. A series of nice amateur med students had me fill out a form. Some questions included, “Are you a female who has had more than two pregnancies in the past five years.” the blatantly checked box next to MALE at the top of the form did not sway this question from rearing it’s ugly head. There were the other standard questions, “Do you have a fever” and “Have you ever had your “manhood” compromised by a “gay man’s butthole””. There was a question about drug use, as well as one about beef insulin. Once they were done raping me with their form. They carefully took a sample of my blood and tested it for iron. Once I tested AWESOME for iron content (thank you red meat), I was ushered to the back of the stage where a woman with oddly colored hair was waiting to suck, er I mean “take” my blood. The needle went in. My life and anything I once loved, came out. I’ve come to the conclusion that giving blood is one of the most uncomfortable, ungratifying, time consuming activities a human can commit to. But hell, I’d do it all over again for more juice and cookies. Delicious, delicious juice and cookies. So if you ever decide to give blood, know this before you let some geriatric push six inches of cold piercing steel into one of your most vital and sensitive of bodily tubing: You better hunt down whoever uses your blood, ‘cause they owe you a couple bucks for saving their life. That’s what I’d do, anyway. Dirty blood stealing bastards. –thedexter |