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As most of you are probably aware, there’s an epidemic going around: and it’s name is Halaids. Never heard of it? Good, because my friends and I made it up and we’re copyrighting it bitches. Well, I guess the entire thing started when Bungie decided to release it’s infamous ‘XBOX Ass-Saving’ title “Halo”. Face it, had it not been for this amazingly adapted first person shooter, XBOX would be a paper-weight. Anyway, after Halo debuted and the entire world became sick with HaloFever (a weaker, and far less tragic disease by the way) rumors began to circulate concerning Halo’s badass baby brother Halo 2. And after way too many set backs, and after way too many teaser trailers, the sequel was finally released and the entire world was put on standby. People took off school, people took off work, hell, fathers gave their kids up for adoption just so they could spend well deserved hugtime with their brand new video-game based baby boy. So here is where Halaids comes in. One day, one particular little day, a couple of chaps from the country club and I sat down for a rousing tournament of Halo 2. Being it that I’m the grandmaster of everything Halo and they are mere legless farm boys, I thoroughly trounced their rear-ends and laughed in their faces. The trouncees were: Scott, and Patrick (his younger yet inconceivably taller brother), and since it was my XBOX we were playing it on, I packed it up that night and went home. See, Scott is infamous for never really getting into video games, he just never picked it up. His entire life, he never found a video game that could hold his attention for more than ten minutes. So, I get a call the next day that I should totally come over and hang out again (and by hang out he was forcefully implying that I better bring my XBOX or not even bother starting my car). Ya know the saying, “Time flies when you’re having fun!”? We have a new saying, “Time fucking disappears when you’re playing Halo.” It’s true, we sat on Scott’s couch for what seamed like an hour, so when we found out it was much more than six hours and that our parents had died and our kids were graduating from college, we got a little scared. The entire basis behind the disease is that, not only does your life get sucked away while you stare blankly at a glowing 38" TV filled with gunfire and carnage, BUT, once you’re done you quickly realize that you’ve become an addict. Your mind and body shakes and itches at the thought that you might go an hour without playing. Your nervous system becomes numb to happiness and pleasure and only keys you into pain and regret. The solution: a 50 frag limit preset slayer tourney with eight players on system link. Oh yeah. So there it is, Halaids, which may I remind you, could be the name of a future episode of “One Day Something Happened!...” Look out for that, and for the loving sake of everything just and human in this world, don’t let your kids play Halo 2. You’ll be dead and quite upset before you ever see them again. –thedexter |